Promposing: A New American Sport


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It’s the most wonderful time of the year…prom season. It’s a time where boys put on nice clothes and, for a month or two, act like decent human beings in order to sway the answer from “definitely not” to “YES I’LL GO TO PROM WITH YOU.” And meanwhile on the other side of that, the girls that fall for this false advertising by coming to school dressed nicely every day just in case a promposal catches her by “surprise.” Unfortunately, the competition for outdoing the next promposal has become so intense that people are going to extreme lengths.

If you aren’t planning on jumping out of a plane and landing at her doorstep while her friends Snapchat it then you’re screwed. It just won’t be elaborate enough. Honestly, I don’t know if you should even go for it. My advice to you would be to stay at home, listen to some Taylor Swift and eat your feelings away. I hear strawberry ice cream is good for that.

But, if you are deadset on asking someone to prom, I have some good suggestions here for you.

  • Send her a rose a day for four years leading up to your senior year. The key is starting ridiculously early so she knows you’re serious. And if she calls you a stalker, don’t worry — she’ll come around.
  • It’s important that the promposal is done in front of the entire student body. She’s less likely to say no if she’s under the scrutiny of all her peers. So it’ll be almost a definite yes!
  • AVOID ALL ROMANTIC GESTURES. That John Hughes movie with the boombox was way too sweet; girls want obnoxious. So get the biggest poster with a picture of her face on it, and then leave it with her so she’s forced to carry it around with her all day! Everyone loves having enlarged pictures of their face, just ask Merbitz!
  • Ask her at family functions that you weren’t invited to. Just show up with all of the things and barge into her house unannounced. She may scream, but it’s probably an excited scream! Like “Ah this is so great,” not “Ah, this guy is creepy.”
  • If she isn’t Snapchatting the whole thing or demanding all of her friends take pictures of her at different angles then you did something wrong and you need to abort mission. She obviously wasn’t satisfied with the promposal.
  • Also, ask her in her most important class. Nothing says “I really value your needs” like disrupting the class she’s worried about failing! She’ll be so stressed out that her teacher is angry with your interruption that she’ll say anything to get you to leave. Including “YES.”

Promposing is the most influential part of your high school career. Colleges want to know that you actually accomplished something in your life. So remember, this is more than just the newest sport, this is a deciding factor on the rest of your life. May the odds be ever in your favor.